January has almost sped away and I just realized over a cup of tea at CCD that I have already lived through a month of the year whose start I had just been associating with ‘Change’, ‘Ambitions’ and ‘Dreams’. It seems like it was just yesterday that I talked about all those things I sought to achieve this year.
Things like refusing to be a failure.
To talk of how it has been for me, I would say not very well. Throughout the month I found myself engulfed in confusion and bound by regrets. I lived more in the past than think of brightening the future. Decisions taken years ago were reviewed for their adequacy even though there was no turning back. Probably, I was just looking for something to accuse for the emotional turmoil I was or maybe am in. It is, perhaps, too many things happening all at once and I don’t know how to deal with it.
When I think about it, think deep about the real cause of the uproar inside of me, I realize I haven’t quite learnt to accept refusals. I am positive about most of the things around me but when something does not go as planned, unfortunately I never have a Plan B and that leaves me bereft of hope. Law of attraction works at its cruel best and I find myself brimming with disappointment from everything happening in a way just opposite to how I had expected it to be.
I broke down into tears more than once this month and it did not help. Crying does help release pent up emotions but does not offer a solution to fit in all of life’s problems. Maybe nothing does.
I read it somewhere that one should be comfortable with the uncomfortable and that made a lot of sense to me. Analyzing my past reactions to circumstances, I could easily draw that I have always been one of those adamant kinds. I have only welcomed life when it offered exactly what I had wanted. I could not accept my wants being refused or my dreams discarded but instead of being a fighter, I would curse everything around me.
Life was probably just its normal self. Like tides of sea, it has been constantly rising and ebbing but I never learnt to sail with ebbing tides and cried until they rose again. Contemplating the thought, I suddenly find those three fingers pointing big at me when I look for a victim to put allegations on for my state of mind. All this while, it has only been me who could drag myself out of this.
And this, for sure, makes me feel better. Its like a new ray of hope for now I do have an answer to all my questions. Its like I have found the solution and know what to do. The problem is not with life, its with me and the answer is not in the people around me or the situations but within me.