January Bytes

January has almost sped away and I just realized over a cup of tea at CCD that I have already lived through a month of the year whose start I had just been associating with ‘Change’, ‘Ambitions’ and ‘Dreams’. It seems like it was just yesterday that I talked about all those things I sought to achieve this year.

Things like refusing to be a failure.

To talk of how it has been for me, I would say not very well. Throughout the month I found myself engulfed in confusion and bound by regrets. I lived more in the past than think of brightening the future. Decisions taken years ago were reviewed for their adequacy even though there was no turning back. Probably, I was just looking for something to accuse for the emotional turmoil I was or maybe am in. It is, perhaps, too many things happening all at once and I don’t know how to deal with it.

When I think about it, think deep about the real cause of the uproar inside of me, I realize I haven’t quite learnt to accept refusals. I am positive about most of the things around me but when something does not go as planned, unfortunately I never have a Plan B and that leaves me bereft of hope. Law of attraction works at its cruel best and I find myself brimming with disappointment from everything happening in a way just opposite to how I had expected it to be.

I broke down into tears more than once this month and it did not help. Crying does help release pent up emotions but does not offer a solution to fit in all of life’s problems. Maybe nothing does. 

I read it somewhere that one should be comfortable with the uncomfortable and that made a lot of sense to me. Analyzing my past reactions to circumstances, I could easily draw that I have always been one of those adamant kinds. I have only welcomed life when it offered exactly what I had wanted. I could not accept my wants being refused or my dreams discarded but instead of being a fighter, I would curse everything around me.

Life was probably just its normal self. Like tides of sea, it has been constantly rising and ebbing but I never learnt to sail with ebbing tides and cried until they rose again. Contemplating the thought, I suddenly find those three fingers pointing big at me when I look for a victim to put allegations on for my state of mind. All this while, it has only been me who could drag myself out of this.

And this, for sure, makes me feel better. Its like a new ray of hope for now I do have an answer to all my questions. Its like I have found the solution and know what to do. The problem is not with life, its with me and the answer is not in the people around me or the situations but within me.

Happy 2013

It’s been some 20 days into 2013 and the start has been slightly dull with an exception of the very first day that me and Lay chatted away in South Delhi. With nothing to do, I don’t think of a better opportunity to draft my resolutions for the year.

Honestly, I haven’t even thought of the issues that require to be resolved upon though am aware of the void that bothers me day in and day out. All I need to do is to deal with it now, bring the issues to light and work on them. Of course, fitness is one of them. Last year, I don’t remember having worked out any detailed plans or anything for 2012. I guess I just casually acknowledged a few things and got rid of them towards half way into the first month. This year I want things to work and I don’t want to produce another failure which I would lament over later on . So I guess, as I write this post, a few things are turning up clearing the clutter from the back of my head. I should probably just jot them down before they make their way back into the backyard.

Fitness: After all those ramblings I perhaps don’t even need to quote how much I need to take my health seriously. I want to make myself what I dream of. Not trying to be over enthusiastic with it, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. Even if that means I am a few pounds over what’s perceived to be acceptable. So, I will be hitting the ground and intend to get rid of the excessive flesh in a couple of months. Six months to be precise. There are a few important marriages lined up this year which require me to look my best. Period.

Books: This year, I want to infuse some quality reading into my routine. I like reading but for the past few years, I haven’t been a dedicated reader as such. I don’t remember having read more than a couple of books in a year and might have skipped reading altogether in some of the years. Plus, female-centric-feministic-kinds books category is probably the only category I enjoy reading. I want to move out of my comfort zone. I intend to take up a reading challenge detailing which a post may soon follow.

Talk less: I have never had a problem with people who talk a lot because that’s what I love doing. I can’t seem to hold anything for long inside of me. When I say I want to talk less, I mean I want to cut out the non sense chatter from my conversations. I have been in a lot of problems lately because of my tendency of speaking my mind out almost all the time. Realising how different you need to be at your workplace than how you were at college, I resolve to think before I speak this year.

Play more: My dog needs me and I know she just can’t tell me as such. Ever since this office thing has started, I know I haven’t been able to give her much time even though I always wanted to. So, I am going to include some quality play time with her in my routine.

100 posts: I like to write and it kind of gives me a break from my everyday chores. I don’t know how that is going to happen but I will try reaching a 100 posts this year. This being the first one. It’s kind of a challenge and I want to see how the journey to the 100th post unfolds.

The list is over and my skin has soaked pretty much of the sun by now. This post was written partly at office and partly under the warm sun in the park.  I did take breaks to play with pups, cuddle them, kiss them, talk to them. Of course I love talking and if it’s a dog, I can probably babble out any of my secrets to them.

Here’s wishing everybody a very happy new year 🙂